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City Installs Toll Booth Overnight In Canyon Country (SATIRE)

Editor’s Note: This article was originally printed as an April Fool’s joke. It is purely satire.

Looking to curb East Side “tourism” in Valencia, Santa Clarita city engineers over the weekend installed a toll booth on the westbound side of Soledad Canyon Road, near Camp Plenty Road.

As of early this morning, KHTS is reporting 15-20 minute delays as early commuters work their way down Soledad toward Valencia.

Traffic is backed up from the Camp Plenty Bridge one mile back to Sierra Highway. Santa Clarita sheriffs are on the scene, trying to calm frustrated drivers.

The toll booth fee is ten dollars for all vehicles coming from Canyon Country into Saugus, Valencia, Newhall and other respectable areas of the Santa Clarita Valley. The cost for Pickup’s is twenty dollars, RV’s have a higher range. There’s a special 50 cent assessment for any car displaying an “honor student” bumper sticker to help fund a holographic 3-D digital sign the Valencia Auto Dealers plan to erect on top of the toll booth.

Fees are expected to go up once drivers become more accustomed to paying a toll. There is no charge for drivers heading from Valencia to Canyon Country.

“The Camp Plenty bridge has long been a line of demarcation between our fair city and the eastern nether regions of our valley,” said City Councilwoman Laurene Weste.

“This will not only keep Valencia safer, it will also help offset the expense of removal of more than 6,000 graffiti tags in Canyon Country last year, including 1,500 painted right onto the residents themselves,” Weste said. The pressure-wash removal of the graffiti was deemed to be a major cultural loss for the art denizens of Canyon Country.

Santa Clarita Mayor Bob Kellar said he was honored to support resolution 661-AFD, also known as the “Toll Booth Ordinance To Make Awesometown Better, Richer and Classier,” noting that someone has to pay for the 17 new trucks the city’s Graffiti Task Force needed with its recent East-Side of the Valley annexation in the Fair Oak’s and Jake’s Way neighborhoods.

“We all know that freedom isn’t free — it costs a hefty darn fee,” Kellar said, “but it’s a fee I believe the good people of Valencia shouldn’t have to pay. Sweet Lord, what’s the big deal, it’s only ten bucks.”

Kellar also believes the City has a responsibility to keep its more than 10,000 returning military veterans safe from the type of combat they left behind. “These brave Americans survived the dangers of a war zone. We don’t want to subject them to worse on the streets of our somewhat fine city.”

In a rare show of solidarity, officials with the Santa Clarita Organization for Planning and the Environment (SCOPE), the Friends of the Santa Clara River, Frenemies of the Santa Clara River, and the radical pro-conservation group, Saugus Environmental Water Education Reformers, or SEWER, all said they plan to support the measure. “Any potential harm to the three-spined stickleback is greatly outweighed by the need to keep our West Side homes and communities safe,” said Lynne Plambeck, SCOPE President and former Newhall Bowling Commissioner. “Protecting the planet from pollution is one thing, but driving by that erotic toy store on Soledad is getting old.

Besides, I rarely travel to Canyon Country.” The fact that the city is only making the toll for westbound residents makes perfect sense in light of the area’s “demographics,” said Assemblyman Scott Wilk.

“I mean, honestly, would you ever drive past the American Beauty apartment complex at night,” the boyishly good-looking Assemblyman asked rhetorically. “I own a Porsche and a pick-up,” Wilk added, “and I wouldn’t park either of them east of the Foster Freeze.”

Congressman Howard “Buck” McKeon, R-Santa Clarita, agreed with Wilk’s assessment. Reached at his district office in Beverly Hills, McKeon said it would be preferable to raise taxes on all “Santa Claritians,” but the economics of charging people to go to the east side of our valley just doesn’t work.

“We had the Congressional Budget Office do various computer simulations where we tried to charge people going from Valencia to Canyon Country, but none of them made money,” said McKeon. “We simulated charging a dollar, a quarter – even as low as 8 cents – but in every instance, it cut traffic going into Canyon Country down to zero. It’s kind of amazing, but simply no one will pay one red cent to enter that place.”

McKeon said he hopes the new toll booth will attract more defense contractors to Santa Clarita. “More people working with enriched plutonium in our valley means more jobs. It also means we’ll be the first place hit by North Korea’s nukes, but I believe the only way to put Santa Clarita on the map is to get it blown off the map.”

For his part, Canyon Country Advisory Committee chair and eight-time City Council hopeful Alan Ferdman said he was looking to be proactive in support of what he saw as the greater good for all Santa Clarita residents. “I love voting for things,” noted Ferdman. “Hell, I’d vote to replace the post office with carrier pigeons if they’d let me.

You can bet those pigeon’s would fly on a Saturday.” To pay for the construction of the toll booth, Ferdman is planning a gun-range fundraiser whereby all Canyon Country residents will be asked to bring their home arsenals to their nearest BBQ wings eatery for a day of hot wings skeet shooting. “What better way to show our support for our valley than by mowing down some flying Buffalo wings,” Ferdman said.

“We understand that the addition of more than 25,000 residents comes at a cost,” Ferdman said, adding that the CCAC is endorsing the newly proposed Assault Weapons Tuesdays, whereby everyone in Canyon Country buys a semi-automatic semi-weekly. “We want to keep our Canyon Country streets safe. And if that means arming every man, woman, and child in the city – well, we actually accomplished that in 1987.”

“The toll fee of $10.00 per trip to the West Side of our Valley was determined at a late, closed door emergency City Council meeting,” shared Santa Clarita Communications Manager, Gail Ortiz. “I’m not allowed to reveal the actual vote, but let me put it this way, no one said no.”

In a rare showing of solidarity, City Councilman Frank Ferry praised fellow City Council Member Tim-Ben Boydston. “I just love that Tim-Ben. He had the foresight to add a special clause to Resolution 661-AFD, allowing any vehicle with a “Mayor-Dude” sticker to qualify for a 30% discount. My constituents are thrilled.”

Boydston also added a clause for any political sign to be placed at the toll booth as long as it didn’t feature any incumbent. Boydston surprisingly proposed a reduction in the fines for signs left at the toll booths after a political campaign has ended. City Communications Director Ortiz refused to reveal the terms of the fine reduction but hinted it was, “South of $101.00 and North of $99.00.”

An additional clause proposed by City Council Woman and incumbent candidate, Marsha McLean calling for a future “Mayor Dudette” indemnifier was turned down by the council. Ortiz wouldn’t reveal the actual vote, but stated, “All the guys voted one way and all the gals had a different opinion, go figure?”

Newly appointed City Manager, Ken Striplin wasn’t available for comment. Striplin was however, seen earlier this morning inspecting the newly erected Camp Plenty toll bike, equestrian and skateboard lanes. When asked for comment, the editors at the Santa Clarita Signal asked, “What toll road?”

Santa Clarita Sheriff’s are keeping KHTS posted on the continued Soledad backup. Captain Paul Becker is recommending exact change be required to speed up delays. The toll booth collector’s union is opposing Becker’s recommendation threatening a strike if exact change mandates are enforced. “It’s tough enough for our employees to break change for a twenty, there’s no way they are going to count exact change if some poor Canyon Country driver empties his youngster’s piggybank in order to get cross-town, exclaimed recently named Union President, and City Council Candidate, Gloria Mercado-Fortine.

Along with funding graffiti removal, funds from the toll will be used by the Santa Clarita Economic Development Corporation to subsidize the opening of a Hooter’s Restaurant at the Westfield Valencia Town Center. Town Center General Manager, Raj Chandani revealed, “We struck out with Nordstrom’s, Cheesecake Factory and OJ’s collectibles. We need help.”

Valencia Acura co-owner, Don Fleming lamented, “Heck, a Hooter’s in Valencia should pay for itself just from the increase in additional toll traffic coming from Canyon Country.”

Fleming and his Economic Development team conducted in-depth interviews with Hooter Employees, visiting numerous Hooter’s throughout the country using funds from a left-over Federal stimulus package to pay for the research.

Don’s better half, Valencia Acura CEO, Cheri Fleming blasted her husband, “It’s a good thing KHTS made this entire fantasy up as an April Fool’s prank or Don would be stepping in more deep do-do than he’s already in.”

Editor’s note: This article was published as an April Fool’s joke. It is purely satire.

City Installs Toll Booth Overnight In Canyon Country (SATIRE)

2 comments

  1. This is hysterical, even reading it 3 years after it was published, I love it. I am so happy Cheesecake Factory changed it’s mind, so excited for them to open.

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