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Ken Pulskamp Wins Lottery, Exposes City Secrets

Editor’s Note: This article was originally printed as an April Fool’s joke. It is purely satire.

In what was described as a “furious, tap-dancing display,” Santa Clarita City Manager Ken Pulskamp said his goodbyes to City Hall just minutes after learning he won the state’s Mega Millions jackpot.

After throwing his computer into the trash and ripping up a copy of the Brown Act, Pulskamp vowed to live the rest of his life in a bathrobe far away from the throws of local government.

Later that evening, Pulskamp announced that he would expose shocking secrets about Santa Clarita in a tell-all book due out in November. Due to his torrid and sometimes bizarre love of AM radio, he gave a sneak peek of the first five chapters to KHTS AM-1220.

What was written in those pages may be disturbing to some audiences, however in the interest of transparency we will print the alleged secrets that have been kept from the public eye for far too long.

Below is an excerpt of the text:

Whittaker-Bermite

The land that sits behind Centre Pointe has long been touted by the City as the future of our area. A road will eventually pass through it connecting Via Princessa to Wiley Canyon Road. The City has always maintained that the land is contaminated due to a munitions plant that was in operation during WWII.

The truth, however, is that there is actually a culture of native human-like creatures called the Na’vi that have lived there for millions of years. The beings are blue in color and have an unwavering connection to the earth. The City has dispatched an army of Sheriff’s Explorers to the area, lush with tropical life, in an attempt to irradicate the civilization and pave the way for future condos and a mini-golf course.

Trader Joes

The popular market is actually run by a well known terrorist organization. Their plan is to create a store more addicting than crack/cocaine and to locate that store in the parking lot with the fewest spaces.  The terrorists accurately predicted that motorists would eventually kill each other trying to enter and leave the parking lot.  Of course, local governments don’t interject because the sales tax dollars are too enticing.

The Cross Valley Connector

This 8.5-mile roadway was actually first designed as a private thoroughfare for Bob Kellar. The Councilman, who lives in Canyon Country, is a huge fan of Pita Pit and wanted a way to get between his home and the Valencia eatery without the hassle of stoplights, other people, or speed limits. Unfortunately, when word of the new roadway’s federal funding leaked (thanks a lot Buck), the City was forced to open it to the public. A secondary attempt by Kellar to build sky gondolas like Disneyland used to have has been gaining ground behind closed doors at City Hall.

Poker determines the City’s fate

Contrary to popular belief, most things in Santa Clarita are won or lost in poker games. The community of Stonecrest, which was annexed into the City to help combat the Cemex mine, was actually won by me with a pair of 7s. LA County Supervisor Mike Antonovich had king-high and I knew he was bluffing because he always talks about illegal immigrants when he’s nervous.  Central Park, the Aquatic Center, Edwards Canyon Country cinemas…they were all a result of playing strong hands. Once I lost the City’s graffiti removal truck to some Taiwanese businessmen, but I was able to use Obama’s stimulus money to buy a new one before anyone found out.

Drinking games at City Hall

Few people know that the water bottles on the desk I shared with City Attorney Carl Newton were actually filled with gin. We have a drinking game we play every meeting. It’s pretty basic:

  • One drink every time a City Council challenger accuses us of overdeveloping;
  • Two drinks every time a Council member takes longer to talk about what they did last weekend than the other portions of the meeting combined;
  • Three drinks every time Laurie Ender cries;
  • Four drinks every time deputies have to kick someone out;
  • Five drinks every time a female attendee giggles and blushes when Assistant City Manager Ken Striplin walks by.

Things got so crazy during the Henry Mayo hearing, I don’t remember a thing.

Pulskamp promises more secrets in the full version of his book, preliminarily titled: Don’t Call Me Shirley: The Diary Of K-Wow.

Editors note: This article is 100 percent phony. No part of this story is real. Ken Pulskamp is still only mildly rich, and he still heads up our City Manager’s office. The City secrets we exposed are also fake, we think, although the one about drinking at City Council meetings sounds like it would be fun. Happy April Fool’s Day.

Ken Pulskamp Wins Lottery, Exposes City Secrets

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About KHTS FM 98.1 & AM 1220

As Santa Clarita’s only local radio station, KHTS FM 98.1 & AM 1220 mixes in a combination of news, traffic, sports, along with your favorite adult contemporary hits by artists such as Rob Thomas, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Maroon 5. We are vibrant member of the Santa Clarita community. Our broadcast signal reaches all of the Santa Clarita Valley and parts of the high desert communities located in the Antelope Valley. We stream our talk shows over the web, reaching a potentially worldwide audience.