Life coach Alex Urbina and his daughter, Jazmine, discussed controlling parents, how to save yourself from becoming one and living with a parent who is controlling on the My Conscious Dad radio show.

The conversation began with Alex Urbina providing some clarification about how controlling parents operate.

“The parent is operating more from fear,” he said, “and they’re afraid that their kids can’t think for themselves, their kids can’t make decisions.”

Alex Urbina said that this fear leaves kids feeling smothered, and like there is no room for them to grow or think for themselves.

“They feel trapped, and that’s the experience that a child will feel,” he said, “especially if their parents are operating out of fear and showing up as a controlling parent.”

This type of controlling parenting can extend long beyond when children move out of the house and start living their own lives.

“You can be 60,” Alex Urbina said, “and still have a parent who’s alive and controlling you or manipulating you.”

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His daughter Jazmine believes that controlling parents are emulating the way they were raised.

“It comes from that old-school parenting style where you do everything your parents say,” she said, “and they’re always right, and you don’t ask questions, you just do it.”

The pair described dealing with a controlling parent as being trapped in quicksand.

“The more you struggle,” Jazmine Urbina said, “the more it pulls you in.”

They then gave a list of behaviors that indicate when somebody is a controlling parent to their children.

• If you inflict physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse on your children
• If you see your child’s desire for independence as a personal rejection
• If you believe that you own your children and that they have to earn your love.
• If you are unwilling to admit your mistakes in parenting
• If you forbid your children from asking questions or disagreeing with you
• If you override, discount, or ridicule your child’s strong emotions
• If you violate your child’s privacy without cause
• If you criticize your kids far more than you praise them
• If you give affection as a reward, but withdraw it as a punishment
• If you are micromanaging their eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

Alex Urbina believes that most of the things on the list are done without thinking by parents.

“When you’re unconscious, you don’t know that you’re being manipulating,” Alex Urbina said. “It’s just the way you’re parenting. It’s the way that your mom or dad parented you, so you’re just oblivious to that idea that there could be a different way.”

However, he also had a solution to this problem

“If you give yourself permission as a parent to let your kids unfold as they do in each new moment and let them make new choices,” he said, “then you’re letting them grow in an organic way, in a healthy way.”

The way to do that, he said, was through self reflection.

Alex Urbina believes “the trick is that you want to decide to work on yourself; that you want to start this new journey of self growth and discovery and take yourself to the next level.”

As for being the child of a controlling parent, he also has advice.

“Allow them to be right about it, and share their opinions and theories,” said Alex Urbina.

However, he does not recommend staying silent after the fact.

“You have the power to negotiate,” Alex Urbina said. “You have the ability to sit down and point some things out to them.”

Parents may not be receptive at first. But progress can be made.

“At first, your parents probably aren’t going to have any of it, especially if they’re controlling. But as you get more intelligent, and more emotionally intelligent, you can use your voice more and start to challenge them,” Alex Urbina said. “Something is going to happen.”

About Alex Urbina

Alex Urbina is one of the leading experts on Teen, Parent and Family Relationships. His vast experience in human potential and personal development has made him one of the premier Family Life Coaches in Personal Transformation and an international trainer.

Alex’s experiential Life Leadership Trainings are being implemented in various schools, youth organizations and Transformational Centers in the country, helping empower people to discover their personal power and realize their full potential.

Alex is a resident of the Santa Clarita Valley and has a weekly radio show called “Life Coaching” on yourHometown Station KHTS AM-1220 every Friday at 1 p.m., to continue to educate yourself on teen and family relationships; by being the undisputed self-leader in your own life.

Listen in or you can find more information about Alex via his website here.