Hello and Happy New Year everybody! Can you believe its 2012 already? Before we get to the fun stuff, allow me to be a tad serious for a moment. I haven’t been writing for KHTS since September not because I was occupying Wall Street, interning at Grantland, or trying to get our drone back from Iran, but because I realized that I wasn’t doing a good job and was trying to use jokes as a crutch for mediocre writing.

It was my intention to cover movies as well as weekly recaps of “Sons of Anarchy,” “Boardwalk Empire,” “Homeland” and “Dexter,” but every time I’d start to type, my mind would wander over to the sites I’ve looked at for inspiration. After reading recaps by Alan Sepinwall, the people at the Onion TV Club, and Grantland, I realized that I really had a lot to learn because their level of analysis was so much better then anything I could give you.

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Also, because I made the idiotic choice to take three writing classes that required me to write a TV pilot, the first act of a feature film, and the first act of an action movie (again, my moronic choice) I became so burned out on writing that I just decided not to write for the fall. It was probably for the best that I chose to take a sabbatical  because it gave me a chance to shed some of my bad habits like my procrastination, doing reviews at midnight, ignoring grammar, self-deprecation, and glancing at other reviews before I do mine and having my mind totally clouded when finally doing mine.

I have other habits that I need to break too but hey progress is progress right? The point is from here on out, you guys will get a more mature, more insightful, more entertaining column. And finally, thank you to the eternally patient and eternally awesome Carol Rock for allowing me to come back in the first place. I promise I won’t let you down.

Now that the serious stuff is out of the way, allow me to kick off 2012 with a revamped awards column that will wipe the pop culture slate clean and recognize those that have entertained and disappointed us throughout the year and to also give you some things to look forward to for the new year. So, let’s play the music and light the lights, it’s time to meet the categories in my column on my awards column tonight!

The 2nd Annual Chauncey Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence!

GENERAL POP CULTURE

BEST PODCAST

“The B.S. Report with Bill Simmons”

“The Adam Carolla Podcast”

“W.T.F. with Marc Maron”

“Doug Benson Loves Movies”

“Hollywood Babble On with Kevin Smith and Ralph Garman”

The Winner is: Marc Maron

MEL GIBSON AWARD FOR CAREER DOWNWARD SPIRAL

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Miley Cyrus

Charlie Sheen

Brett Ratner

Netflix

The Winner is: Miley Cyrus

THE ROBERT DOWNEY JR AWARD FOR COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR

The Muppets

Claire Danes

Dane Cook

Mike Judge

Matt LeBlanc

The Winner is: Mike Judge

THE BRYAN DUBAR AWARD FOR UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY

The 2011-2012 GOP Field

Donald Trump

Charlie Sheen

Sarah Palin

The Winner is: The 2011-2012 GOP Field

BREAKOUT STAR OF THE YEAR

Melissa McCarthy

Rooney Mara

Elisabeth Olsen

Josh Gad

Michael Fassbender

The Winner is: Melissa McCarthy

THE ‘I DIDN’T KNOW THEY HAD IT IN THEM’ AWARD

Chris Rock-“The Motherf—- with the Hat” (Broadway)

Claire Danes-“Homeland”

Kevin Smith “Red State”

Ellen Page “Super”

Jonah Hill “Moneyball”

The Winner is: Claire Danes

THE GEORGE CARLIN AWARD FOR STAND UP COMEDY

Patton Oswalt- “Finest Hour”

Louis CK-“Live at the Beacon Theater”

Donald Glover-“Weirdo”

Norm MacDonald-“Me Doing Stand Up”

Craig Ferguson-“Does This Need to be Said?”

The Winner is: Louis CK

The Maxim Magazine Hottest Celebrity Power Rankings (as voted on by both men and women)

HOTTEST GUY

Ryan Reynolds

George Clooney

Ryan Gosling

Matthew McConaughey

Brad Pitt

HOTTEST GIRL

Katy Perry

Mila Kunis

Eva Longoria

Olivia Wilde

Scarlett Johanson

10 HONARABLE MENTIONS, IN NO PARTICUALAR ORDER

1. Emma Stone

2. Aubrey Plaza

3. Leonardo DiCaprio

4. Paul Walker

5. Angelina Jolie

6. Anne Hathaway

7.  Jessica Alba

8.  Bradley Cooper

9. Jason Staham

10.  Jude Law

THE iTUNES AWARDS FOR EXCELLENCE IN MUSIC

BEST NEW ARTIST

Lana Del Rey

Childish Gambino

Foster the People

The winner is: Lana Del Rey

AWARD FOR MOST OVERPLAYED SONG

“Pumped Up Kicks-Foster the People”

“Last Friday Night”-Katy Perry

“On the Edge of Glory”-Lady Gaga

“Born This Way”-Lady Gaga

“Animal”-Neon Trees

The Winner is: “Pumped up Kicks”

SINGLE OF THE YEAR

“Rolling in the Deep”-Adele

“The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie”-The Red Hot Chili Peppers

“These Days”-Foo Fighters

“I Just Had Sex”-The Lonely Island

“Pumped up Kicks”-Foster the People

The Winner is “Rolling In the Deep”

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

“I’m With You”-Red Hot Chili Peppers

“Adele”-21

“Wasting Light”-Foo Fighters

“El Camino”-The Black Keys

“King of Limbs”-Radiohead

“The Book of Mormon”-Original Broadway Cast

“Turtle Neck and Chain”-The Lonely Island

The Winner is: Adele

THE ALAN SEPINWALL AWARDS FOR EXCELLENCE IN TELEVISION

THE MATT GROENING AWARD FOR BEST ANIMATED SERIES

“The Simpsons”

“Futurama”

“South Park”

“Beavis and Butt-Head”

“Good Vibes”

“Family Guy”

The Winner is: “Beavis and Butt-Head”

THE ERIC AND TAMMY TAYLOR AWARD FOR BEST TV COUPLE

Ben and Leslie-“Parks and Recreation”

Jax and Tara-“Sons of Anarchy”

Brody and Jessica-“Homeland”

Walt and Skyler-“Breaking Bad”

Daenerys and Kohl-“Game of Thrones”

The Winner is: Ben and Leslie

THE JAMES GANDOLFINI AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE BY A LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA.

Timothy Olyphant-“Justified”

Bryan Cranston-“Breaking Bad”

Damian Lewis-“Homeland”

Charlie Hunum-“Sons of Anarchy”

Sean Bean-“Game of Thrones”

Steve Buscemi-“Boardwalk Empire”

The Winner is: Bryan Cranston

THE EDIE FALCO AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE BY A LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Claire Danes-“Homeland”

Anna Gunn-“Breaking Bad”

Katey Sagal-“Sons of Anarchy”

Emmy Rossum-“Shameless”

Monica Potter-“Parenthood”

Kelly MacDonald-“Boardwalk Empire”

The Winner is: Claire Danes

THE MARY TYLER MOORE AWARD FOR BEST LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES

Amy Poehler-“Parks and Recreation

Gillian Jacobs-“Community”

Tina Fey-“30 Rock”

Martha Plimpton-“Raising Hope”

Zooey Deschanel-“New Girl”

The Winner is: Amy Poehler

THE KELSEY GRAMMER AWARD FOR BEST LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Louis Ck-“Louie”

Steve Carell-“The Office”

Alec Baldwin-“30 Rock”

Joel McHale-“Community”

Larry David-“Curb Your Enthusiasm”

The Winner is: Steve Carell

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

Michael Pitt-“Boardwalk Empire”

Giancarlo Esposito-“Breaking Bad”

Aaron Paul-“Breaking Bad”

Peter Dinklage-“Game of Thrones”

Walton Goggins-“Justified”

Mandy Patinkin-“Homeland”

Ron Perlman-“Sons of Anarchy”

The Winner is: Giancarlo Esposito

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

Gretchen Mol-“Boardwalk Empire”

Margo Martindale-“Justified”

Morena Baccarin-“Homeland”

Lauren Graham-“Parenthood”

Katey Sagal-“Sons of Anarchy”

Maggie Siff-“Sons of Anarchy”

The Winner is: Margo Martindale

DAVID HYDE PIERCE AWARD FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Nick Offerman-“Parks and Recreation”

Donald Glover-“Community”

Danny Pudi-“Community”

Adam Pally-“Happy Endings”

Ty Burrell-“Modern Family”

Garrett Dillahunt-“Raising Hope”

The Winner is: Nick Offerman

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Sofia Vergara-“Modern Family”

Alison Brie-“Community”

Kristen Wiig-“Saturday Night Live”

Cheryl Hines-“Suburgatory”

Eliza Coupe-“Happy Endings”

The Winner is: Sofia Vergara

THE FREAKS AND GEEKS AWARD FOR BEST CANCELLED TV SHOW

“Terra Nova”

“Lights Out”

“Chicago Code”

“United States of Tara”

The Winner is: “United States of Tara”

THE HBO AWARD FOR BEST MOVIE OR SPECIAL

“Pee Wee Herman Live on Broadway”

“Colin Quinn: Long Story Short”

“Too Big to Fail”

The Winner is: “Too Big to Fail”

BEST NEW SHOW OF 2011

“New Girl”

“Homeland”

“Game of Thrones”

“Suburgatory”

“Shameless”

“Boss”

The Winner is: “Game of Thrones”

WORST NEW SHOW OF 2011

“Whitney”

“Enlightened”

“Episodes”

“Alan Gregory”

“American Horror Story”

The Winner is: “Whitney”

WORST SEASON OF 2011

“Dexter”-Season Six

“Weeds”-Season Seven

“Nurse Jackie”-Season Three

“Glee”-Season Two

“True Blood”-Season Four

The Winner is: “Dexter”

THE CHARLES, BURROUGHS & CHARLES AWARD FOR BEST SEASON OF COMEDIC TELEVISION

“Louie”-Season Two

“Parks and Recreation”-Season Three

“Community”-Season Two

“Curb Your Enthusiasm”-Season Eight

“30 Rock”-Season Five

The Winner is: “Parks and Recreation”

THE DAVID SIMON AWARD FOR BEST SEASON OF DRAMATIC TELEVISION

“Game of Thrones”-Season One

“Homeland”-Season One

“Breaking Bad”-Season Four

“Sons of Anarchy”-Season Four

“Justified”-Season Two

“Boardwalk Empire”-Season Two

The Winner is: “Breaking Bad”

THE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AWARDS

MUSICAL GUEST OF THE YEAR

The Black Keys

Michael Buble

Foo Fighters

Linkin Park

Radiohead

The Winner is: The Black Keys

DIGITAL SHORT OF THE YEAR

“3 Way (The Golden Rule)” featuring Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga

“Seducing Women Through Chess” featuring Olivia Wilde and Jason Segel

“Jack Sparrow”-featuring Michael Bolton

“The Creep”-featuring Nicki Minaj

“Andy and Pee Wee’s Night Out”-featuring Pee Wee Herman and Anderson Cooper

“Best Friends”-featuring Katy Perry, Matt Damon, and Val Kilmer

The Winner is: “3 Way (The Golden Rule)”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A MUSICAL GUEST

Nicki Minaj

Dave Grohl

Michael Buble

Florence from Florence and the Machine

Lady Gaga

The Winner is: Lady Gaga

THE STEVE MARTIN AWARD FOR HOST OF THE YEAR

Jason Segel

Jesse Eisenberg

Justin Timberlake

Jim Carrey

Melissa McCarthy

The Winner is: Justin Timberlake

THE BILL SIMMONS AWARDS FOR EXCELLENCE IN SPORTS

THE ESPN OUTSIDER AWARD FOR MOST OVER-COVERED STORY

The NFL Lockout

The NBA Lockout

Tim Tebow

The Miami Heat

College Athletic Scandals (except Penn State)

The Winner is: Tim Tebow

THE BEST TEAM OF THE YEAR

2011 Women’s World Cup Soccer Team

2010-2011 Green Bay Packers

2010-2011 Dallas Mavericks

2010-2011 LSU Tigers

2011-2012 Green Bay Packers

The Winner is: 2010-2011 Packers

BIGGEST SURPRISE

The 2011 St. Louis Cardinals

The 2011-2012 San Francisco 49ers

The 2011-2012 Detroit Lions

The 2010-2011 Memphis Grizzlies

The 2010-2011 Dallas Mavericks

The Winner is: The Dallas Mavericks

BEST COACH

Tony LaRussa-St. Louis Cardinals

Rick Carlisle-Dallas Mavericks

Mike McCarthy-Green Bay Packers

Jim Harbaugh-San Francisco 49ers

Les Miles-LSU Tigers

The Winner is: Rick Carlisle

WORST COACH

Jason Garrett-Dallas Cowboys

Andy Reid-Philadelphia Eagles

Kurt Rambis-Minnesota Timberwolves

Rick Neuheisel-UCLA Football

Norv Turner-San Diego Chargers

The Winner is: Rick Neuheisel

BEST RUN ORGANIZATION

Pittsburgh Steelers

Green Bay Packers

Chicago Bulls

St. Louis Cardinals

Oklahoma City Thunder

The Winner is: Pittsburgh Steelers

WORST RUN ORGANIZATION

Minnesota Timberwolves

Dallas Cowboys

Los Angeles Dodgers

San Diego Chargers

New Orleans Hornets

The Winner is: New Orleans Hornets (I’m still bitter about that vetoed Lakers trade)

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

2011-2012 Philadelphia Eagles

2011-2012 San Diego Chargers

2011-2012 Dallas Cowboys

2010-2011 Los Angeles Lakers

The 2011-2012 College Football Season

The Winner is: The Eagles

BIGGEST VILLAIN IN SPORTS

Jerry Sandusky

Frank McCourt

David Stern

LeBron James

The NBA and NFL Owners During the Lockout

The Winner is: Jerry Sandusky

FEMALE ATHLTE OF THE YEAR

Abby Wambach

The Pregnant Woman Who Ran a Marathon

Britney Griner

Maya Moore

Hope Solo

The Winner is: Abby Wambach

MALE ATHLETE OF THE YEAR

Aaron Rodgers

Dirk Nowitzki

Victor Cruz

Rob Gronkowski

Justin Verlander

Landon Donovan

The Winner is: Aaron Rodgers

THE ROGER EBERT AWARDS FOR EXCELLENCE IN FILM

THE SCREEN SAVER AWARD FOR MOST PICTURESQUE IMAGERY OF THE YEAR

“Tree of Life”

“The Descendants”

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

“Midnight in Paris”

“War Horse”

The Winner is: “Tree of Life”

BEST ACTION MOVIE

“Captain America”

“Fast Five”

“X-Men: First Class”

“Thor”

“Transformers 3”

The Winner is: “Captain America”

THE SAMUEL L. JACKSON AWARD FOR BEST BODY OF WORK IN A YEAR

Michael Fassbender-“X-Men: First Class,” “Shame,” “A Dangerous Method,” “Jane Eyre”

Jessica Chastain- “The Help.” “Tree of Life,” “Take Shelter”

Ryan Gosling-“Drive,” “The Ides of March,” “Crazy Stupid Love”

The Winner is: Michael Fassbender

THE BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO AWARD FOR BEST MOVIE I DIDN’T SEE IN THEATERS

“Rise of the Apes”

“Warrior”

“Moneyball”

“The Help”

“Crazy Stupid Love”

“50/50”

The Winner is: “Warrior”

THE IFC AWARD FOR BEST MOVIE THE PUBLIC WON’T SEE

“Attack the Block”

“Beginners”

“Cedar Rapids”

“Win Win”

“Drive”

“The Artist”

The Winner is: “Attack the Block”

THE ILM AWARD FOR BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

“Attack the Block”

“Rise of the Apes”

“Captain America”

“Super 8”

“Source Code”

The Winner is: “Attack the Block”

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

“Cowboys and Aliens”

“Cars 2”
“Pirates 4”

“Paranormal Activity 3”

“The Hangover Part II”

The Winner is: “Cowboys and Aliens”

THE TATUM O’NEAL AWARD FOR BEST CHILD PERFORMANCE (IN ANY MEDIUM)

Asa Butterfield-“Hugo”

The Cast of Super 8

Maise Williams-“Game of Thrones”

Kaitlyn Dever-“Justified”

Alex Schaffer-“Win Win”

John Boyega-“Attack the Block”

Shailene Woodley-“The Descendants”

The Winner is: Shailene Woodley

THE WILLIAM GOLDMAN AWARD FOR BEST SCREENPLAY

Diablo Cody-“Young Adult”

Will Reiser-“50/50”

Alexander Payne, Jim Rash (who plays Dean Pelton on “Community), and Nat Faxon-“The Descendants”

Aaron Sorkin and Steve Zallian- “Moneyball”

Woody Allen-“Midnight in Paris”

Mike Mills-“Beginners”

Kristen Wiig and Amie Mumolo-“Bridesmaids”

Tom McCarthy-“Win Win”

The Winner is: Diablo Cody

BEST ACTOR

George Clooney-“The Descendants”

Brad Pitt-“Moneyball”

Jean Dujardin-“The Artist”

Michael Fassbender-“Shame”

Leonardo DiCaprio-“J. Edgar”

The Winner is: George Clooney

BEST ACTRESS

Viola Davis-“The Help”

Charlize Theron-“Young Adult”

Michelle Williams-“My Week with Marilyn”

Rooney Mara-“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

Carey Mulligan-“Shame”

The Winner is: Charlize Theron

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Patton Oswalt-“Young Adult”

Christopher Plummer-“Beginners”

Albert Brooks-“Drive”

Jonah Hill-“Moneyball”

Kenneth Branaugh-“My Week with Marilyn”

The Winner is: Christopher Plummer

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Jessica Chastain-“The Help”

Shailene Woodley-“The Descendants”

Octavia Spencer-“The Help”

Bernice Bejo-“The Artist”

Anjelica Huston-“50/50

The Winner is: Shailene Woodley

THE JOHN FORD AWARD FOR BEST DIRECTOR

Jason Reitman-“Young Adult”

Steven Spielberg-“War Horse”

Alexander Payne-“The Descendants”

Martin Scorsese-“Hugo”

Michel Hazanavicius-“The Artist”

The Winner is: Alexander Payne

BEST PICTURE OF THE YEAR

“The Artist”

“Bridesmaids”

“War Horse”

“Young Adult”

“The Descendants”

“The Help”

“Midnight in Paris”

“Moneyball”

“Hugo”

“Attack the Block”

The Winner is: “The Descendants”

BEST 2012 TRAILER

“Prometheus”

“The Dark Knight Rises”

“The Hobbit”

“John Carter”

“The Avengers”

The Winner is: “The Dark Knight Rises”

HUMANITARIAN OF THE YEAR

Lady Gaga

POP CULTURE MVP

Justin Timberlake

Thank you for welcoming me back and I’ll be back next week with recaps of Shameless,” “House of Lies” and “Californication”.