I said it a few months ago when “Legion” came out and I’ll say it again: Sometimes you see a trailer for a movie and just know immediately that its going to be not just bad, not just dumb, but encroaching on the level of idiocy that went into the Donovan McNabb trade.
I really didn’t want to see “Clash of the Titans,” and not because I pretend to like the campy 80’s version like most other movie nerds (the 80’s version is terrible don’t let anyone tell you different), but because it just looked like a mess. However, my friends and I had nothing better to do, so we went for it. “Who knows,” we said, “maybe it will just be a fun action movie.” Nope. Unfortunately it was the exact same disjointed mess that the previews made it out to be.
For those unfamiliar with this movie, it takes place in ancient Greece and tells the story of a time where humans began to wage war against Zeus (Liam Neeson) and the other gods because they are tired of their cruelty. Well, Hades (Ralph Fiennes) decides this is a great time to rise out from the underworld and not only convince Zeus to let the humans have it, but also to take his revenge on Zeus in the process. The only hope humans have is Perseus (Sam Worthington) a demigod (he’s one of Zeus’s many illegitimate kids), who is angry with Hades because he killed his family. So Perseus begins a journey with a small army, and proceeds to do battle with giant scorpions, Medusa, and the Kraken.
Now, as a Greek and Roman Mythology nerd I usually love this stuff. I’m a fan of Disney’s “Hercules”, “300”, “The Odyssey”, and even “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” on Starz (which if you’ve seen it you know it’s on a whole other level of ridiculous). So, theoretically I should’ve found something to like in this right? Wrong!
Unlike the 80’s version, which despite good intentions was held back by its mediocre visual effects and subpar writing, this new version is overly CGI’d, badly acted, and the action scenes are boring. The movie doesn’t even take advantage of the fact that it reunites Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes for the first time since Schindler’s List. Both are not on screen a whole lot.
As for Sam Worthington…well he’s doing a great job of building an action movie resume of hit movies (last year he was in “Terminator: Salvation” and “Avatar”), but I’m not convinced that he’s the action star of this decade. I like the guy (and my friend Katie really likes the guy), but I’m not sold on the Sam Worthington era just yet.
The action scenes are just comprised of quick cuts and don’t last very long. To make matters worse, none of the villains really come off as threatening. For instance, the Kraken goes down way too easily. Their remake of the famous Medusa scene was the only thing that they did alright, however, their Medusa left me feeling like they should’ve used a picture of Michelle “Bombshell” McQueen in order to make her look scarier, but that’s just me.
To put into perspective how bad this movie was, the only thing that salvaged the night was this: My friends and I were at the part where Perseus is on the beach at the end, the Pegasus is kicking up sand and the theater is quite. Out of nowhere my friend Justin (who was really looking forward to this movie) just shouts out “dig a hole, dig a hole” and the theater just started laughing. I agree this is totally one of those “you had to be there” stories, but when that’s the highlight of a movie featuring Liam Neeson, Medusa, and the Krakken, you’ve got a problem.
By the way, fun fact: “Clash of the Titans” is not the only member of 2010 80’s remake revolution tour. At the end of April there is “A Nightmare On Elm Street” (can’t wait), “The Karate Kid” (blasphemy), and “Red Dawn” (we’ll see).
If this doesn’t sound like fun to you, there is Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married Too?”, and “The Last Song” starring Miley Cyrus.
Thank you for reading and stay tuned as next week I go out on a “Date Night” with Steve Carell and Tina Fey.
Remember you can see these and other fine films at your local Edwards. Click here for show times.