Have you ever seen a trailer for a movie and known right away that it was going to be terrible? Have you ever seen a movie that sets the bar so low yet manages to limbo underneath it? Well, so you don’t have to waste your weekend at the movies, I have. I knew that “Legion” was going to be awful. In fact, I expected it to be god awful, but still, you’d think there would be a neat moment here or there, or at least something that was so unintentionally funny that it made up for what a mess of a movie it was. That moment never came and I kept questioning why I chose this movie in the first place, then I remembered the week’s other options and I realized I was screwed either way.
“Legion” is about a group of people stranded in a diner in the middle of nowhere because God has finally had it with humanity. He uses an army of angels (that’s right an army of angels) to wipe out humanity. It’s never said what the final straw was that caused God to want us gone, but my theories are; he watched the entire first season of “Jersey Shore”, witnessed how bad NBC mismanaged the whole Leno/Conan thing, or maybe God is tired of hearing “Poker Face.” In any event, those stranded in the diner are: Dennis Quaid’s Bob Henson, an angry recovering alcoholic and owner of said diner; his son Jeep (yes Jeep) played by Lucas Black (“Friday Night Lights”, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift”); waitress Charlie, played by Adrienne Palicki (“Friday Night Lights”); among others. Now why would God choose to focus his attention on a diner first? Well, he wants to destroy Charlie’s future baby (she’s 8 months pregnant), because for some reason it’s the last hope for humanity. Protecting the humans is fallen angel Michael, played by Paul Bettany (“The Da Vinci Code”, “Wimbledon”).
This movie could have been entertaining, but instead it’s just a series of lame action sequences with sub par special effects. God’s army of angels either attacks from above or inhabits random people (i.e. metal heads, and an ice cream man who ends up looking like a rip off of a creature from “I Am Legend”). Its also amazing how cheesy things get when the characters have philosophical conversations. I mean come on, “The Book of Eli” was able to successfully balance action with interesting conversations regarding religion, so why couldn’t a movie with actual angels be able to do the same? This movie was worse then the song Prince wrote for the Minnesota Vikings (yes he wrote a song, and believe me if you didn’t want the Saints to win before, this seals it).
If you really want to go to the movies this weekend there are other options. For the kids take them to see “The Tooth Fairy” starring The Rock. As a lifelong fan of his I would love to give him a career intervention because I no longer want to smell what The Rock is cookin. There is the drama “Extraordinary Measures” starring Brendan Fraser and Harrison “I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!” Ford.
On a serious note I know we’re in a recession but if you can please make a donation to the victims of the earthquake in Haiti.
Thank you for reading and stay tuned as next week I celebrate the triumphant return of Mel Gibson to the big screen as he travels to “The Edge of Darkness”.
-By Chauncey Telese
Remember you can see these and other fine films at your local Edwards. Click here for local show times.