Life Coach In Santa Clarita: Are You Enabling Your Young Adult Child?

Posted by: KHTS Community Spotlight in Alex Urbina - Life Leadership, Santa Clarita Latest News September 25, 2019 - 10:33 am 0 356 Views

A life coach in Santa Clarita is helping parents understand the difference between being a loving support for their young adult child, and enabling them to the point where it’s actually hurting their personal growth.

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“I think all parents, we love our kids so much that we kind of help them out, and sometimes it crosses the line a little bit,” said Alex Urbina. “Then there’s some of us parents that we have really crossed the line and we’re in the deep end, and sometimes we just don’t know.”

While enabling young adult children usually comes from a place of love, Urbina noted that “overhelping” them constantly could be preventing them from learning how to figure things out for themselves, and even keeping them from realizing that they are capable of handling their own life circumstances, according to Urbina.

Related: Santa Clarita Life Coach Alex Urbina: The Fear Of Being Vulnerable

Urbina went on to give three signs that parents could be enabling their young adult children in an effort to help them move toward change, not only for their own benefit, for their kids’ as well.

#1 – Your young adult child lives at home rent-free, and/or you pay for their living expenses.

If a young adult child is choosing to live at home, Urbina noted that they should also be “stepping up” to pay for rent and other living expenses, such as their own phone bill, insurance, cable, gym membership, etc.

“We could go down a whole laundry list of things,” Urbina said. “(If) all of a sudden you realize that, ‘Man, you know what? Out of the 12 things that you should be responsible for, I’m paying nine of them,’ something’s wrong there.”

Urbina encouraged parents in this situation to think about how they can empower their son or daughter to start with taking responsibility for at least one or two of those items, and to realize what they just can’t afford on their own and need to go without.

#2 – You constantly help your young adult child through crisis.

Challenges are inevitable in life, but if a parent realizes that they are always the leader in managing their young adult child’s crises, Urbina noted this is also a problem.

“You’ve got to really look at, what’s the part you play when your kids are in crisis? Do you just jump in there and save them?” Urbina said. “Or are you stepping back and asking questions, like, ‘Hey son, how are you going to handle that?’, or, ‘What’s your gameplan?’”

Although it’s many parents’ instinct to go above and beyond what their own parents did for them so that their kids don’t have to struggle the way they did, Urbina cautioned against taking this instinct too far.

“By following that model, we’re robbing our kids from the opportunity to struggle, to face crisis, to be in the hot seat, to go, ‘Man, what do I do?’, and then have to dig down deep, find our own solutions and then implement those solutions,” Urbina said.

#3 – You constantly make personal sacrifices so your young adult child gets what they want and/or doesn’t go without.

If a parent is choosing to send their young adult child instead of themselves on a vacation they worked hard to afford, or buying their young adult child an expensive gadget with the money they’ve been saving up so they can buy something for themselves, Urbina noted this is a problem.

“In increments and periodically, it’s okay, but when you’re doing it to the point where, more often than not, you’re paying the price or you’re struggling just so your kids aren’t, there’s something that’s unhealthy there. It’s off-balance,” Urbina said.

Urbina used the example of the instructions given regarding oxygen masks on an airplane, which tell parents to put on their own mask before attempting to help their child or someone else.

“What’s the point if the oxygen mask comes and you give it to your kid and then you go out? Now your kid doesn’t know what to do,” Urbina said. “So you’ve got to be giving to yourself first, and that’s not selfish to love yourself enough to go, ‘Alright, here’s for me. Here’s what I’ve been working on, and if I have leftovers and abundance, hey son, here’s a little bit for you as an encouragement.’”

By giving to young adult children out of a parents’ “abundance” or “overflow,” Urbina noted that it helps prevent them from becoming entitled while also helping the parent take care of and “feed” their own self.

The bottom line?

Urbina noted that ultimately, parents need to learn the distinction between helping and supporting their young adult child versus enabling them in an unhealthy way.

“That’s what I do a lot of times as a coach, is I help you understand the distinctions. We go over them and we break them down,” he said. “Once you have clarity about, this is this and that is that, and they’re separate, … then you’re able to make choices more freer and more from a powerful place.”

Ed. Note: This article is a KHTS Community Spotlight based on the latest “The Alex Urbina Radio Show” on KHTS.

Santa Clarita Life Coach Alex Urbina is one of the leading experts on teen, parent and family relationships. Specializing in personal transformation, Urbina has more than 20 years of experience as a life coach in Santa Clarita. His Life Leadership Training programs have been implemented in schools, youth organizations and transformational centers across the country. Urbina is also the author of “The Inspirational Parent: The Magical Ingredients for Effective Parenting” and host of “The Alex Urbina Radio Show: Helping You Reach Your Full Potential” on KHTS, which airs Fridays at noon. Those looking for a “life coach near me” can contact Urbina today.

Alex Urbina

661-505-5021

alex@alexurbina.com