Home » Santa Clarita News » April Fools » Canyon Country Secedes From Santa Clarita, Forms A New County, Former Santa Clarita Mayor Bob Kellar To Lead
Canyon Country Secedes From Santa Clarita, Forms A New County

Canyon Country Secedes From Santa Clarita, Forms A New County, Former Santa Clarita Mayor Bob Kellar To Lead

In a startling move, the community of Canyon Country, on the east side of the Santa Clarita Valley received approval from the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors to split off from both the City of Santa Clarita and Los Angeles County. The new entity has been named Canyon Country County.

“The three ‘C’s’ are catchy,” beamed the selected head of the new county, Bob Kellar. “Sweet Lord, you should have seen the other choices. None of them would stand the cancel culture test in today’s environment.”

After representatives from the Tataviam Indian Tribe and several of the valleys other progressive community groups threatened to erect a wall around Canyon Country County in protest against the top two other choices for a name, Kellar and other Canyon Country County officials took the safe choice.

The Santa Clarita City council has placed the discussion of a wall adjacent to Canyon Country County on next week’s agenda.

“We’re unhappy with the secession,” lamented Santa Clarita mayor Bill Miranda. “We’re going to lose the sales tax revenue from many of their top commercial outlets including, ‘The 99 Cents Only Store’.”

99 Cent Store Logo

Other top retail outlets include Ace Lawnmower Repair and Simon’s Hot Dog Stand. “The loss could be considerable,” reflected Miranda.

California State Senator Scott Wilk was not as pessimistic. “The boundaries for my district haven’t changed, so what’s the big deal? Vanessa and I only venture into Canyon Country when we need a new valve for our lawnmower so a wall between the counties would be a minor inconvenience.”

Los Angeles County Supervisor Kathryn Barger disagrees with the Senator. “Not only do they have the best lawn mower repair shop in Southern California, Canyon Country is a great place to store your recreational vehicle. Los Angeles County will also miss the revenues from the Goodwill store.”

The new counties population is 71,559 ranking it number 40 of California’s 58 counties.

“Federal funding hasn’t kicked in yet,” shared United States Congressman Mike Garcia. “Their elementary school district hasn’t determined yet if they’ll include Dr. Seuss books in their reading curriculum. Their decision will have a major impact on their funding, per the Biden administration. I’m also distressed there’s talk of a Sambos Restaurant opening in place of the old Cocos. Cocos used to be former mayor Bob Kellar’s favorite hang-out. The turnover could become quite a predicament for Bob.”

College of the Canyon’s Chancellor Dianne Van Hook is now boasting she oversees campuses in two counties. “We’ve already scheduled our first “State of the County” fundraising lunch on our Canyon Country County campus. We’re also contemplating holding two Silver Spur award dinners in 2022. That will allow me to do twice as many speeches.”

Newly elected Santa Clarita City Councilmember Jason Gibbs groaned over the thought of additional charity get togethers. “Thank goodness for Covid-19. I’ve allowed my tuxedo to gather dust over the past 13 months. Luckily, I have thousands of leftover ‘Elect Jason Gibbs” masks because Kellar has now mandated we wear four masks if we venture into Canyon Country County.”

Former Santa Clarita Mayor and current councilmember, Cameron Smyth was reminded of the only time he ventured into Canyon Country. “I was playing football for Hart High School. We were bussed into Canyon Country to play Canyon High. This was back when it was still okay to proudly call ourselves Indians. Those Cowboys never knew what hit them. Gee, I hope I don’t receive any backlash for my comments.”

Santa Clarita City Councilmember Laurene Weste was relieved over the formation of Canyon Country County. “This takes the pressure off any renovation we had planned. Our focus has been Old Town Newhall. We had been throwing around ideas on how to renovate the northern portion of Sierra Highway. We had been considering building a monorail going up Sierra Highway. The idea was promoted by Santa Clarita City Councilmember, Marsha McLean. Now I don’t have to tell her it’s a dumb idea.”

“It was not a dumb idea,” barked McLean. “The monorail’s prohibitive cost was going to be offset by excessive federal grants. It was my dreamchild after a meeting with former Governor Jerry Brown who inspired me with his high-speed rail vision. We even encouraged building unisex bathrooms at the Vasquez Canyon Road station and having all vegan vending machines to meet the new Biden administration’s Federal compliance.”

Assemblywoman Suzette Valladares saw the secession as an opportunity to rename Soledad Canyon Road. “Just as the street changes its name to Valencia Blvd on the west side of the valley, we get to change its name on the east side. My former opponent suggested calling it Canyon Country County Alley, but I thought the word alley took away from the true flavor of our pioneer history.”

Nordstrom

Canyon Country County advocate Ruth Ann Levison wanted to make certain Federal funds are diverted from the I-5 freeway expansion and used to upgrade the 14 Freeway instead. “Up until now Canyon Country was considered the step-child of the valley. Now with having our own county, we’ll have the last laugh with Nordstrom’s opening up right next to the “99 Cent Only” store.”

KHTS owner Carl Goldman lamented, “We live and have raised our kids in Canyon Country for the past 31 years. KHTS radio has its AM transmitter and license in Canyon Country. We love the east side of our valley and enjoy teasing about it. It’s a good thing my wife, Jeri Seratti Goldman didn’t see a draft of this before publication. Otherwise, our April Fool’s joke for 2022 would be delayed yet another year. And thanks to Lisa Lin for assistance with this year’s material.”

Click here to see all our previous April Fool’s stories

Warning, this year’s KHTS April Fool’s joke will appear this Thursday and you are in it. Just letting you know.

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Canyon Country Secedes From Santa Clarita, Forms A New County, Former Santa Clarita Mayor Bob Kellar To Lead

42 comments

  1. I don’t think this is a bit funny. As a long time resident of Canyon Country I resent being lumped in with the Sand Canyon insurrectionists.

    Can’t we all just get along?

  2. Lmaoo y’all got me until the third sentence. Good one.

  3. What I think we need here is a GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL WALL !

  4. Not funny at all!!!

  5. This clears the way for the new Community Center to be named after Bob Kellar….as it should be.

  6. How about the name Country Of The Canyons???

  7. Instead of a wall, may I be permitted to suggest a moat? I think a moat is so pretty and would be less of an impact on the environment but millions of dollars should be spent on impact studies for both. Thanks for allowing me to voice my opinion. It is still allowed, right? Please advise what I’m supposed to think because my intent is not to offend the fragile warriors that live among us. Peace be with you.

  8. This was a very very untasteful April fools joke.

  9. Grow up, this isn’t funny.

    WhoMever approved this stupid story slap your self upside the head

  10. Always good to have a little fun. Thank you for the laugh. 🙂
    I think people are sometimes too serious and forget to enjoy time for play.

  11. You really had me going for a second! ? I was pissed at first, but now find it extremely hilarious. Well executed prank!

  12. We knew it! We look forward to your award winning creative literary genius every April 1st! Thank you all for the belly laughs!

  13. Yeah I wasn’t laughing? my husband had to
    Tell me I was a fool. Whatever!

  14. Ahh, nothing new, Canyon Country has always been the punching bag for humor, even before this “Esteemed” publication came into existence. Not the first time C.C. Has been the butt of their April Fools “Joke”. It’s one thing to say CC is breaking away, it’s another thing to belittle their community.

    Come up with a new gag guys, one that doesn’t make a community look like the lower class. The same stunt you pulled years ago with the “Toll” charge for people from CC going to the “High Society “ Valencia area.

    I’ve lived in both over the last 50 years, they both have there pluses and minuses.

    Signed,

    Disappointed Resident

  15. I wonder if this has anything to do with this being April 1st? April Fools Day

  16. Where the hell is Santa Clarita, I live in Canyon Country

  17. If we change the name to Canyon Country Communist County we might get favorable reviews in the main stream news!

  18. Ha ha ha! That’s great and in all fairness Canyon Country would not be any loss to the City. What a pit hole of Santa Clarita.

  19. I have lived in Santa Clarita for 56 years. Some time ago I ran for County Supervisor along with Buck McKeeon Connie Warren and three others to try and form our own county. The three of us were voted in however the votes to become our own County failed. We reformed and created the City of Santa Clarita.
    Event tho it was a funny April Fools Day Joke today ,think about this. Why don’t we attempt to succeed from the County of Los Angeles and form our own COUNTRIES ?
    Give this some thought and you might be surprised to see the response from the powers to be.
    Have a great Day
    Jimmy Smith ????

  20. Thank you! I feel like I just took a well needed journey. Well done!!

    Happy April Fools Day.
    Dani

  21. Hahaha hilarious
    All the baby Libs crying at the disaster they’ve created, triggered by this article because it’s true.
    Canyon Country is an armpit of the SCV. Was hoping this was a true story.

  22. SO funny. Great work!!! LOL

  23. Your racism is showing with that Hart High Indians comment. Your classism is showing with the rest of it. This April Fool’s joke was poorly conceived and executed; a new low for KHTS’s weak attempts at journalism, even parody.

  24. Oh, I get it! It’s funny because they’re poor!

    Get a life, dude. It’s not that you’re joking around, it’s the way you do it. This is shameful.

  25. Love it! Thanks Carl!

  26. I was hoping for a fun article., I found a disrespectful attempt at humor. I am disappointed and I’m not a “triggered lib”.

  27. I was so excited for a second lol. Valencia mindset

  28. Very well crafted article & picture. The main armpit area of CC is MID, although there are several block areas of old houses with extreme “Old Fashioned American Pride” of ownership! Section 8 housing and Operation Room Key is not helping! Luckily we have fantastic Sheriff’s doing an extremely difficult job in the presence of street thug low life’s and tender minded, bleeding heart, Socialist Liberals ruining all areas of all cities in the USA! I’ll take Sand Cyn. over anything in snooty Valencia/Stevenson’s Ranch! The entire SCV is still nicer than most areas of So. Cal.!!

  29. I grew up in Santa Clarita, and am disgusted by this article. Your attempts at humor are based in racist and classist remarks, and perpetuate stereotypes of people who live in Canyon Country.

  30. I believe Donald Trump should be Counry Executive for new County.

  31. Sorry KHTS, but this April Fools prank was in very poor taste.
    The effort that was put in for this lengthy, thought out, hit below the belt prank, should be directed at better Journaling!
    Your articles are often lacking in basic information wherein I can find it easily elsewhere.
    Not to mention, the recent article you posted concerning a certain Santa Clarita Realtor that was recently arrested in Florida in which you then blocked! Hmmmm? Glad I found it on The Signal!

    Interesting, you, KHTS, got your start in CANYON COUNTRY, then moved to NEWHALL, where homelessness and crime are significantly on the rise, more than Canyon Country per capita!

  32. Just want to say, please take a step back and look at all the sniping in this chat (if it doesn’t apply, let it fly). We’re all better than that.
    Lived in Saugus, Placerita, Canyon County, and Santa Clarita; same house. A positive California experience.

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