In a surprising move, the Santa Clarita City Council voted 4-1 to declare the boundaries of Valencia a Zero Emission Zone (ZEZ), becoming the first city to do so in the United States.

“We’re the leader of what will become a new nationwide policy,” declared Santa Clarita mayor, Laurene Weste. “Oxford, England became the first city in Great Britain to declare a ZEZ. We felt the positive headlines our new policy will generate made it attractive to be the first out of the gate in the United States.”

The new restriction will go into effect on July 1, 2022, 13 years ahead of California no longer allowing the manufacturing of gasoline power vehicles. Gas-powered cars violating the new mandate will be subject to severe fines.

Striplin Issues Warnings Not Fines

“We’ll only issue warnings for the first 90-days,” beamed City Manager, Ken Striplin. “After September 30, 2022, fines will be $100.00 for each passenger car, $150.00 for each truck, $75.00 for each motorcycle. Fines will double each time there’s another violation. The KHTS 1948 Mac Firetruck and the city’s trolley will be exempt. Trump supporters could face up to a $1,000.00 fine for the first violation.”

None of the current five City Council members live inside the new Zero Emission Zone, however each will face challenges navigating to future City Council meetings.

Mayor Pro Tem Is Injured

“I twisted my knee while practicing on my skateboard,” declared Mayor Pro Tem Jason Gibbs. “I used to have a Tony Hawk Limited, but I tossed that out when I discovered Hawk still drove an F-250 which only gets 14.6 miles to the gallon. I’m still doing extensive research to find a new brand. I hear roller skating is becoming a fad again.”

Smyth Showboats

City Councilmember Cameron Smyth envisions no problem passing the new law. “I placed my order for the latest electric Maserati. It’s projected to go zero to sixty in 4.5 seconds. That’s one-tenth of a second faster than their current Maserati Gran Turismo. I originally ordered it in red but realized that would break with my neutral political balance so I’m having the left side of the sports car custom painted in metallic blue.”

McLean Struggles With Facebook Comments

“My husband bought me an electric Segway for Christmas,” reflected City Council member Marsha McLean. “He knew in advance we were considering this new law. I tried it a few times, well…. You can see the results for yourself on my Facebook page. I had to delete many of the comments. He promises to buy me an electric lawn mower instead for Mother’s Day.”

Miranda Perfects Backstroke

Former Mayor, Bill Miranda doesn’t foresee any challenge. “The lake I proposed in the center of town runs only 100 yards from my house on the north end and only one-quarter of a mile from City Hall on the south side. My backstroke is the bomb. I recently purchased a custom battery-powered jet ski, that’s ‘moto acuatica’ for you Latina supporters. Most of the details are in the second limited edition of my autobiography, ‘A New Kind of Mayor’. You can purchase it on Amazon. We’re considering handing out free autographed copies before election day. Folks tell me it’s already becoming a collector’s item.”

Weste Trots Down Railroad

“I’m going to saddle up my horse, Melania,” declared Mayor Weste. “I purchased a special saddle with solar panels so I can keep my iPhone charged and not drain my battery while listening to the news on KHTS and reading their number one website, hometownstation.com during the twenty-five minutes it will take me to trot down Railroad Avenue. I even bought a special monogrammed Dior bag to strap on Melania’s rear to spare our taxpayers extra dollars to clean up excess horse manure on our city’s streets.”

Denise Lite Offers Enticing Discount

City Council Candidate, Divorce Attorney Denise Lite usually leans toward being fiscally responsible. “I’m a big supporter of the solar monorail task force Roundtable. It will be a tough decision deciding if the main artery should extend down Railroad Avenue or go up Bouquet. But the Roundtable continues to vow not to open its hearings to the public even though I tried to persuade it to be more transparent. I believe City Councilman Miranda’s option of branching it over his proposed lake is a stupid idea. I’m also sticking to my original campaign promise of free divorces for all current and former city council members if I’m elected. A  few city employees might qualify for a discount.”

Van Hook Consults Philosophers

College of the Canyon’s chancellor, Dianne Van Hook is in a quandary. “Our Valencia campus is in the new Zero Emission Zone, but our Canyon Country campus is exempt. I consulted the ancient philosophers, Aristotle, Socrates, Plato; I even reread all of Arthur Conan Doyle’s, Sherlock Holmes series. Nothing, nada, not even a clue on how to solve this predicament. We may have to continue distant learning until California eliminates all gas power vehicles in 2035.”

Wilk Touts Massachusetts

“I opposed that bill, shared our California State Senator, Scott Wilk. “As the minority leader of the State Senate I represent many constituents who aren’t as fortunate as Santa Clarita’s mayor. Owning and caring for a horse is outside many people’s budget and many have allergies. Besides, it doesn’t matter, I will be termed out. Vanessa and I plan to move to Cape Cod. I hear Massachusetts is a much more conservative state.”

Valladares Opposes Wilk

California Assemblywoman, Suzette Valladares disagrees with Wilk.

“The Senator must be smoking some real powerful s*** if he thinks Cape Cod is in a more conservative state. As for me, I’ll switch all my high-end shopping to on-line. I can hit the 99 Cent Only store whenever I’m passing through Canyon Country.”

Fleming Gets Cold Feet

Valencia Acura owner Don Fleming lamented, “We considered moving our dealership to Canyon Country, however we decided to simply test drive our gas power Acura’s at the old Denny’s parking lot. We then thought better of it because we were afraid the owner of a certain steakhouse across the parking lot wouldn’t allow an entire ethnic category of customers near them.”

Barger In The Minority Once Again

Our Los Angeles County Supervisor is the only one of five Supervisors with any common sense. “After resisting my other peer’s ridiculous mandate for cloth masks on kids, overwhelming research has proven it to be useless. Now they’re floating the mandate to mask all animals. My niece tried it on her pet turtle, and he hasn’t popped his head out of his shell in over a week.”

Garcia Facing Opposition

“You think you have it tough?” challenged our Congressman Mike Garcia. “Imagine sitting behind closed doors with AOC and the rest of her squad.  First, they persuaded some Governors to fire unvaccinated Health Care workers, then they pushed to bring back to work vaccinated workers who had Covid because they created a shortage, then they pushed for priority for hospitalizations for non-whites to create equity. Now they’re suggesting to double fines for all Republicans who violate any mandates in their Green New Deal, triple fines for unvaccinated Republicans and quadruple fines for unvaccinated Republicans who still support Trump.”

Kellar’s Had Enough

Former City Council member, Bob Kellar reflected, “One of the many reasons I retired from the City Council is I no longer have to be the butt of that damn radio station’s annual April Fool’s joke, Sweet Lord!”

Read all our past April Fool’s Jokes here.

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