KHTS News has learned that President Trump’s development firm, the Trump Organization, is the funding behind local hotel and convention center plans in the Santa Clarita Valley.

Editor’s note: This article was published as an April Fool’s joke. It is purely satire.

“The Trump Plaza and Convention Center is coming to ‘Awesometown,’” announced Santa Clarita Mayor Cameron Smyth. “We have many moving parts to this deal and we’re fortunate to have me around to navigate through the challenges.”

“The deal has been in the works for quite some time,” shared Holly Schroeder, president and CEO of the Santa Clarita Valley Economic Corp. “Then after the election, well, it goes without saying, Santa Clarita loves to align itself with a winner.”

The SCV Trump Plaza will combine an 18-story, five-Star Trump Hotel alongside a 250,000 square-foot convention center, with banquet facilities capable of feeding up to 3,000 guests. KHTS has learned the proposed anchor restaurant inside Trump Plaza will be the first Hooters north of Mulholland Drive. Hooters waitresses will be called the Trumpettes.

“That was the deal clincher,” an elated City Councilmember Bob Kellar decried. “If I’m forced to eat another chicken dinner at the Hyatt, well, let me just say, ‘Sweet Lord.’ There’s only one individual who can create the ultimate lively banquet and that’s our President, Donald Trump.”

Keller would not reveal if he planned to move his “Boys Night Out,” annual Domestic Violence fundraising cookout, from his backyard to the proposed Hooters at Trump Plaza.

The hotel and convention center will be erected on McBean Parkway between the Hyatt Regency Valencia and the Santa Clarita Transit Hub on a property currently owned by JSB Development CEO and longtime Santa Clarita resident, Jim Backer. “I’ve been trying to put a hotel and convention center on that footprint for many decades,” Backer shared. “When we began talks with the Trump Organization several years ago, I had no idea what history would bring down the pipeline. After the election, the only item holding back our deal was Trump’s insistence on renaming McBean Parkway. We finally compromised by agreeing to rename it Pence Parkway, which had a much better ring to it than the President Donald J. Trump Expressway.”

The deal combines a complicated mix of public/private funds, tax incentives and a very favorable bond measure that will allow the Trump Plaza and Convention Center to become a reality in Santa Clarita.

“Bringing this deal together certainly had its challenges,” reflected our usually fiscally cautious City Manager Ken Striplin. “Once again, parking became the sticky subject. We finally agreed to have the city pay for a nine-story parking structure next to the complex. It will rise above our Transit Center.”

Striplin wouldn’t elaborate on just how much the parking structure will cost Santa Clarita taxpayers, but shared that costs for the structure will be offset by a $4.95-per-20-minute parking fee. All registered Republicans will park free of charge.

“That’s a win-win for everyone,” beamed Striplin.

Striplin assured us no thoughts of forcing back-end parking would even be considered for the nine-story parking structure. “We will absolutely never hire another consultant,” he added.

Newly elected Assemblyman Dante Acosta held his first news conference since his departure from City Council. “In the 40 years since Santa Clarita has become a city, we’ve had three major goals: No. 1 was to bring in a large hotel and convention center; the second Nordstrom; and the third, a Cheesecake Factory. We’ve now achieved two of the three,” adding, “Hooters is just a bonus,” shared Acosta with a wink.

The Hotel at Trump Plaza will include 1,300 guest rooms, rivaling it with the Trump Hotel in Las Vegas.

“Each floor will have its own theme,” chimed in a grinning City Councilwoman, Laurene Weste. “That was my biggest contribution. Many folks call me the Martha Stewart of Santa Clarita,” she added with a whisper.

Weste has one floor completely themed with suites depicting silent film stars.

“I purchased the original William S. Hart bidet off eBay,” Weste proudly revealed. “That purchase alone should have a dramatic impact on Santa Clarita tourism for the next few years. I’m still scouring eBay to see what other treasures I might discover.”

Weste may hit a major glitch with her elaborate plans for the Fatty Arbuckle suite. Apparently, she didn’t research the silent film superstar had a career-ruining incident at a scandalous, three-day party in his hotel suite back in 1921.

“Oh, we’ll figure out a way to work around that,” assured the determined City Councilwoman.

Plans to re-name McBean Parkway to Pence Parkway, a compromise City Council took credit for, are still in the works. “That was my idea, along with a special ‘cry-room’ in the sub-basement,” elaborated a blushing City Councilwoman Marsha McLean.

“They were stuck on that thorny Trump Expressway idea,” she explained. “Most cities already pay tribute to our leaders.”

“They rarely highlight the person who came in second. I mean, can you name one former vice president who didn’t become president?” McLean said, questioning our reporter with a piercing eye. McLean was later told Spiro Agnew, as well as the last four vice presidents came to mind, but our KHTS reporter remained silent, fearing McLean might get rattled with our response.

“To be fair,” McLean continued, “we intend to post anti-Trump lamppost banners along Pence Parkway, updating them on a regular basis so they remain relevant. That way everyone is happy, even our Democratic friends.”

Current banners already in the design phase and approved by the Santa Clarita Arts Commission along Pence Parkway include:

“Santa Clarita Deplorables Don’t Do It With Any Style”

Why Not Just Call It Monica Alley?

And the most controversial, “Try building a wall around this!” (first graphics rejected, new drafts under editorial review).

One competing news outlet called for the renaming of McBean to center around a high-profiled local Latino with an effort to create greater diversity in our valley. They insisted Gloria Mercado-Fortine Boulevard had a certain ring to it, but emphatically stated, it’s “only a suggestion.”

The project received mixed reviews by some of the newer faces around City Hall.

Recently hired City Communications Manager Carrie Lujan expressed concern, noting she was “blind-sided” by the move. “My predecessor, Gail Morgan, knew about this for a long, long time. Did she even think to give me a heads up? I tried calling her many times and just got her recording saying, ‘If you’re a Trump supporter, press one, if you hate Trump press two, if you don’t give a …., press 3.’”

KHTS News later learned all three prompts go directly to City Manager Ken Striplin’s private cellphone.

Newly appointed City Councilman Bill Miranda was given the task of choosing the artwork to be displayed in front of Trump Plaza. “We’re still working on the mosaic to go around the wall, but we did commission a statue entitled, ‘Making America Great Again.'” The piece features a construction crane with a 45-foot bronze bra dangling from its cables. “Our Arts Commission all agreed this piece best reflects the project, especially when you mix Trump, Santa Clarita and Hooters all into the theme.”

“I had absolutely nothing to do with this deal,” said California State Senator Scott Wilk, offsetting rumors that Wilk has his finger in every single important decision made in Santa Clarita.

“OK, I’ll be transparent,” Wilk admitted. “The only suggestion I may have made were those cocktail coasters.”

Wilk is referring to the controversy that erupted inside City Hall, when the day after the November elections, an extremely large group of city staff designed and paid for 85,000 cocktail coasters for Trump Plaza. “I originally suggested, Vanessa, you’re MY first Lady,” Wilk shared, “but someone got hold of my earlier draft, ‘TimBen, You’re Fired.’ Not sure how that happened.”

Congressman Steve Knight distanced himself from Wilk on the Trump plans, noting he would be hosting an open house at his Antelope Valley home and welcoming a discussion of possible concerns at his residence.

“I know there will be a crowd, just like the last time I hosted a meeting,” Knight said, adding “and the best part is, now everyone knows where I live so I’m saving our constituents money on invites. They know where to go to find me.”

Carl Goldman expressed plans to post Knight’s correct home address — not the one recently shown on the news which was an unfortunate former neighbor of Knight’s — outside the construction site, much to the chagrin of Jeri Seratti-Goldman.

(Editor’s Note: Jeri Seratti-Goldman had totally removed the above two paragraphs from this story, but Carl Goldman shadily waiting until Ms. Seratti was trapped inside her Cryotherapy chamber at -235 degrees, came back and reinserted it.)

The ceremony to celebrate last week’s spur-of-the-moment ground-breaking is set to happen at 10 a.m. on April 12 on the dirt lot next to the Hyatt parking lot.

Officials are scrambling and may be forced to move the start time to 9:06 a.m. to accommodate a welcome speech by College of the Canyons Chancellor Dianne Van Hook. Van Hook is rumored to be assembling quotes from all 44 former Presidents, 18 Vice-Presidents, and three deceased Supreme Court Justices. KHTS will post the exact start time later this week, once a draft of Van Hook’s PowerPoint is completed.

Valencia Acura co-owner Don Fleming is extremely upset. “I’ve never been scooped before on a good Santa Clarita rumor, even any involving my wife, Cheri. I’ve now confirmed there is absolutely no truth to any of this. It’s just our hometown radio station once again pushing the envelope on April Fool’s Day.”

Editor’s note: This article was published as an April Fool’s joke. It is purely satire.

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