If a friend, acquaintance or even a family member is grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say. Instead of avoiding bringing it up, a Santa Clarita grief counseling expert is offering advice on how to talk to someone grieving.

Sharon Brubaker, a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, noted that many people who are grieving need to tell their story in order to heal, comparing them to a teapot that has been closed off.

“Even under a little simmer, a teapot will start to boil, right? But if that cork is stuck in there, there’s no way for that emotional pain to get out,” Brubaker explained. “They’re really just dying to tell their story or have someone listen to them.”

Related: Santa Clarita Grief Counseling Expert: Grief Isn’t A Head Issue, It’s A Heart Issue

Though a common response to a griever is, “I’m sorry for your loss,” Brubaker noted she avoids using this phrase because they’ve usually heard it so many times already.

“If I don’t say anything, I’ll grab my heart,” Brubaker said. “Sometimes I will say things like, ‘Is it okay for me to give you a hug?’ or ‘I can’t imagine what this must be like for you.’”

While this opens the door for the griever to express emotion, Brubaker said that’s okay, and it’s okay for them to cry too.

“I think that what happens with people is we don’t want to make the person go to tears, so we avoid the conversation,” Brubaker said, adding that sometimes tears aren’t necessarily of sadness, but a release of bottled emotion or even an overflowing of love because of the support.

Brubaker shared her own personal experience with grief, when her 10-year-old nephew, Austin, drowned in 2006. While many people may have thought not bringing him up so they didn’t upset her was the best thing to do, Brubaker said she felt just the opposite.

“When Austin died, if someone sat next to me and they would be sharing about Austin, whether they were emotional or not, it made me feel good to know that Austin was still alive in their heart,” she said. “It feels good that someone is still talking about him or they’re remembering stories.”  

While this may not be the case for all grievers, Brubaker noted that the family of the person lost often sets the tone for others, and because she and her family made the decision to talk about Austin from the beginning, it helped others feel comfortable talking about him too.

“(It) sets the tone for everyone around you, it makes it comfortable for them to talk about your loved one that has passed on,” Brubaker said. “And if you’re setting that tone, then they’re going to join in and share those stories, and to this day, when family members come around, it is okay for them to talk about Austin.”

Santa Clarita grief counseling expert Sharon Brubaker has over 11 years of experience as a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist. The grief counseling expert specializes in the Grief Recovery Method in Santa Clarita, and offers an 8-week education program that she teaches in person, utilizing her free eBook titled “Grief Recovery.” As a grief counseling expert, Santa Clarita residents dealing with loss or other unfinished business who desire a lasting change can be guided on their journey of pain to find healing in their lives.

Sharon Brubaker

Certified Grief Recovery Specialist

27772 Avenue Scott

Valencia, CA 91355

661-212-0720

Sharon Brubaker, Valencia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-nqk8MoYbI

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