In a slick, behind the scenes maneuver, the City of Santa Clarita, working with Congressman Steve Knight miraculously solved Santa Clarita’s biggest controversy for the past few decades.

Editor’s note: This article was published as an April Fool’s joke. It is purely satire.

The land for the proposed Cemex Megamine has been sold to the Trump Organization, who plans to place a Casino on the property. The Trump Casino is slated to open in October 2019, which would make it the fastest development project in our city’s history. A Trump spokesperson has not yet confirmed the consummation of the deal. The Cemex company will retain a 30% ownership of the future casino.

The full-service luxury casino will feature all forms of gambling, including poker, blackjack, slot machines, roulette and everything customers would expect to find in a prime Las Vegas casino. Smoking will be allowed throughout the casino for registered Republicans only.

“The Trump/Cemex Casino puts an end to our legal battles with Cemex,” stated our elated City Manager, Ken Striplin. “We figured, why settle for just a dinky poker club like the ones in Ventura and Rosamond. With Trump, we get the real deal and all the amenities, including the waitresses in skimpy outfits. It’s a win-win-win for all of us.”

Congressman Steve Knight is in full agreement. “I’ve been pushing the Bureau of Land Management on a solution ever since I took office. Someone from the Trump Organization comes along, and ‘poof.’ I don’t know how things like this happen, but it sure makes my job a lot easier.”

Knight is gearing up for re-election this coming November. So far, forty-two democratic candidates have announced they will oppose him including fifteen attorneys, one geologist, three paleontologists and a part-time dishwasher who worked at Sicily Italian Kitchen and is now re-entering the job market.

According to a spokesperson from the Trump Organization, the only form of gambling that will not be allowed is Russian Roulette, dispite heavy lobbying from the NRA. 

Former Congressman, Howard ‘Buck’ McKeon told KHTS, “This could only have been accomplished with the hard work I maneuvered during the twenty-two years I was representing Santa Clarita.” The former Congressman refused to confirm the rumor that his lobbying firm has been hired by the new Trump/Cemex entity.

Ownership of the Cemex land was traced back to the site of a former Tataviam Indian village dating back to 450 A.D. The Tataviam Indians, a small group of Shoshone speaking people inhabited parts of the Santa Clarita Valley for many centuries. No revenue will be shared with any descendants of the Tataviam tribe.

“Discovering the Indian land connection was the key,” shared a euphoric Santa Clarita Mayor, Laurene Weste. “Think of all the history we will now be able to preserve on that property.”

KHTS asked the Mayor about the fate of the seven heritage oak trees currently residing on the land. “Oh, we figured that out already. The Casino will be built around the trees. We’ve already received critical input from our consultants. We’re going with their idea of building a giant men’s restroom around three of the biggest trees. That way the guys can relieve themselves the natural way. You know the old Native-American saying: ‘Who needs porcelain when you can use bark.’”

Mayor Pro-Tem Marsha McLean is thrilled. “I’ve been reading about the Tataviam Indian’s unique style of dancing. I’m going to demonstrate my own version at the next State of the City Luncheon.  My dance is kind of a Pocahontas meets Bojangles, with a bit more emphasis on the tap.”

City Communications Manager, Carrie Lujan did not appear amused when asked about the Mayor Pro-Tem’s dancing plans.

City Councilman Bob Kellar brokered the deal. “It was actually one of my newest realtors who came on board last August. He’s known as ‘CC’ among my agents. He’s the one who masterminded the deal. Sweet Lord, our city not only gets all that additional revenue, but the scantily clad hostesses kind of makes my day.”

See Related: Trump Organization Eyes Valencia Lot For Santa Clarita Hotel, Convention Center

“I’m the only member of our City Council who still has kids in school,” boasted Cameron Smyth. “My wife Lena and I are thrilled to have the Trump Casino coming to our valley. I’m very, very grateful I won’t have to spend another birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. I’m initiating a city ordinance next week to allow the oddsmakers to add Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey to their gambling portfolio.”

City Councilman, Bill Miranda was quick to jump on board with an early endorsement for the casino. Miranda, whose picture has appeared in local publications endorsing a variety of Santa Clarita businesses, from hearing aids to Andy Gump portable restrooms, has been spotted filming his first ad. Miranda denied the claim. “That deck of cards and those poker chips are props to publicize my next charity event, it has nothing to do with the casino.”

The Trump Casino will be built less than a mile, as the crow flies, from College of the Canyon’s Canyon Country campus. College Chancellor Dr. Dianne Van Hook is working with Senator Scott Wilk to obtain a special ‘Gambling Technology’ certification through the State. “The educational possibilities are endless,” shared the Senator.

Van Hook added, “There’s so much Jungian symbolism in craps, imagine, they don’t even put real numbers on the dice it’s just a series of dots, did you know that? The complexity of math involved in dealing out cards for blackjack is perfect preparation for someone wanting to become a physicist or maybe even a nuclear scientist. And the shape and colors of the Trump poker chips reminds me of a Lichtenstein painting. We’re going to add our own practice casino on our campus, and maybe even open up a third office. I have a good idea where I can find some scholarship money for prospective students.”

Senator Scott Wilk was a little more tempered. “Thank goodness there is nothing controversial about this. Who wouldn’t want a Trump Casino in our valley? I’ve learned even our local paper is endorsing my wife’s idea for a special charity event. That’s a first.”

Wilk might be referring to the story involving his wife, Vanessa and KHTS owner Jeri SERATTI-Goldman. The two women of soft Armenian and Italian temperament respectfully, have been plotting on how to get even with a few local dignitaries. KHTS only has a drawer full of sketchy details but it involves attending an extremely long charity dinner at the Valencia Hyatt while immersing the targeted individuals in a cryotherapy tank at minus 168 degrees. Attempts by both the Senator and SERATTI-Goldman’s husband Carl, to quash their wives’ brainstorm have gone unheeded, go figure?

Assemblyman Dante Acosta is already working on yet another political mailer. Acosta is trying to one-up Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren by claiming his great-great-great-great-great grandmother was one-tenth Tataviam Indian. DNA results, however, are inconclusive. His cunning strategy to dominate the Native-American vote in Santa Clarita may backfire, but, regardless of DNA or facts, he has stated he will remain a “proud (.000001%) Indian, or whatever we’re going to call ourselves now.”

KHTS has received numerous complaints since the announcement of the Trump Casino. Angry residents are sharing they haven’t been this upset since the radio station pranked its audience with a story about construction for the Trump Hotel in Valencia last April Fool’s Day.

Editor’s note: This article was published as an April Fool’s joke. It is purely satire.

To read previous KHTS April Fool’s Pranks including:

The Canyon Country Toll Booth
Whittaker Bermite Airport
The Real Housewives of Santa Clarita
Trump Hotel

KHTS FM 98.1 and AM 1220 is Santa Clarita’s only local radio station. KHTS mixes in a combination of news, traffic, sports, and features along with your favorite adult contemporary hits. Santa Clarita news and features are delivered throughout the day over our airwaves, on our website and through a variety of social media platforms. Our KHTS national award-winning daily news briefs are now read daily by 34,000+ residents. A vibrant member of the Santa Clarita community, the KHTS broadcast signal reaches all of the Santa Clarita Valley and parts of the high desert communities located in the Antelope Valley. The station streams its talk shows over the web, reaching a potentially worldwide audience. Follow @KHTSRadio on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and sign up for KHTS email and text alerts today!